Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
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Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Friends that check up on you >