what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
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Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
haha same
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.