what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
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[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Thrilling chase underway
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency