What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
You Might Also Like
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Can’t stop laughing
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.