What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
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Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
mom had nothing to worry about
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
*aggressively waits in line*
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.