What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
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Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Owl Sanctuary
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more