What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
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“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.