what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
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My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
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Expectations vs. Reality
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Saw your ex at the shops
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Free him
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.