what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
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‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
KFC hitting the cannibal market
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob