I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
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Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?