Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
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Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.