WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
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FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
British websites use biscuits.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?