What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
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Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I have so many questions.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Not even remotely sorry.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry