WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
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Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
The answer is funnier than the question
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.