What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
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Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
is nasa ok
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.