What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
You Might Also Like
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.