WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
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[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Midwest trash talk
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”