Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
You Might Also Like
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.