Funny women are smart. Be careful.
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If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?