JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
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I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
The asteroid..
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.