Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
You Might Also Like
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I will never stop laughing at this
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
What my back needs
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.