What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
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i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.