“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
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Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
😂🤣😂🤣
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.