what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
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you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”