@ihuffpaint: what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
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@fro_vo: ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
@XplodingUnicorn: [buys plastic lightsabers for the kids] 5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken. Me: What's wrong with it? 5: It doesn't even cut off arms.
@GreenishDuck: This is just a quick reminder that we're all gonna die one day so don't get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
@bombsydoll: *sees guy having a heart attack* me: quick somebody push a cookie in his mouth! person: isn't that for diabetics? me: it's what I would want