Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
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If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…