“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
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Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
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