“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
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[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe