What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
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Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.