What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
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Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Happy weekend !
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-