Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
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Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.