What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
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Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Sniffing the broccoli
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
This is a true ally.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Mornin
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.