BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
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I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…