What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
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Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
This trial is so absurd 😭
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead