“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
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The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I’m not proud
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.