What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
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My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Unimpressed
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?