@weinerdog4life: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
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@ericsshadow: "dad, what does extravagant mean?" idk son. why don't you ... [i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace] ask your mother
@MaraWritesStuff: Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
@ANastyGorilla: I'm thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry