@frickashley: what everyone's tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
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@_correctomundo: Nephew: What's love? Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink. Sister: Get away from him!
@realHamOnWry: These days, satisfying my sex drive is like using Uber. It's a nervous ride with a stranger who expects to be paid after we reach the end.
@peteholmes: Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word "stop."
@yoyoha: Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out :(