Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
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My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
socratic questions
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.