I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
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therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
When can I start eating bats again.
That’s fair
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.