What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
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Me: Donât you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasnât looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* thatâs so weird.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DONâT THEY?
My friendâs DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I wrote a book called âThe Sun Also Risesâ until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to âThe Sun Also Rises Too As Wellâ
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
do what now??
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. đ”âđ«
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because âeveryone sells lemonade but no one sells rocksâ.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
âYeahhhh, thatâs the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of saltâ – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.