whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
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Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.