what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
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My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
bears
🤣✨#caturday