@ReeseButCallMeV: What genius named it a "news feed" on Facebook and not "bullshit"?!
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@NuryVittachi: WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
@Sal0630: In a perfect world anyone that said they, “literally died,” would drop dead on the spot.
@LaniBeno: I don't understand what you mean by 'stop drinking so much'. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
@Kyle_Lippert: The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said "Flawless Victory!"