What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
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What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.