What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
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I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.