It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
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HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.