I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
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The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I thought this was funny lol
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.