I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
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Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Simple
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…