What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
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HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names