What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
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*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Sell your car
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
i actually laughed 😩
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?