HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
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I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
My dad teaching me to drive
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
There’s only one good girl here!
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.