gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
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A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”