What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
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Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps